Rattling around on the early pages of Cowboy in Paris are a little over 300 short pieces aimed at the original concept of Cowboy in Paris. They told of my impressions of the people, places and things that I found noteworthy regarding Paris and France, and occasionally a little further afield. They ran, more or less in rotation, between April 2005 and March 2007.

Every once in awhile one of those articles rattles around with enough force to reach temporary escape velocity. When it does it arrives here. This little piece was on Charles de Gaulle and entitled “Pride and its Consequences”. It last ran on March 8th 2007:

Charles de Gaulle gave to France what it most desperately needed in its darkest hour. He gave it back its pride. France was mortally wounded at Waterloo and died at Verdun. It disintegrated in the early stages of WWII, though De Gaulle fought well. It was reborn in the persona of a General without an army who stood ramrod straight and declared victory. He substituted talk for action, but it was glorious talk, and the French believed. France was reborn not as a state, but as a state of mind. Talking everything to death was infinitely better than dying. Image trumped substance. There was a little of the Napoleonic Complex Redux there, but, when you have nothing, it is best to grab at straws. Sometimes pride cometh after the fall. And on this pride France rebuilt gloriously.

May 23, 2010 / Ricochets Revisiting / OC pg 45, © 2010 / CIP 953, May 24, 2010 / BIO, BTR

It was the day before the day before Christmas. A chance phone call to set up a January meeting provided the backdrop. I had called an old friend who I had known since very close to the days when I first met my wife back in 1976. She and her husband, both Professors at the University, had visited us in Paris a few years ago. We had kept irregular but relatively continuous contact over the 30 plus years.

The conversation ambled as it is likely to do at this time of year. Somewhere she mentioned that she had run into an old flame of mine whom she hadn’t seen for over twenty years, but was from our same original era. Of course she told her I was back from Paris. My old girlfriend it seems then commented that she remembered me as; ‘a real man – a good man who tried hard to do the right thing.’ And then my friend said to me: “It’s funny – that is exactly how Dominique described you to me in Paris.” I demurred a little with something on the order of I sometimes stumble but I always try. And the conversation rolled on to autism – my friend is a Professor of Behavioral Psychology.

It was not till the next day – today, now, Christmas Eve – that I realized I had gotten one of the best Christmas presents I ever got. There were three people whom I had known for many, many years - all three now remembering me how I would like to be remembered. Christmas doesn’t get any better than that.

December 24, 2009 / A Christmas Present / OC pg 12, © 2009 / CIP 670, Dec 25, 2009 / BIOG, BTR

The year started out poorly and did nothing but improve. That’s infinitely better than the other way around. It was the second year of improvement. I think I will declare myself healed. No, the gaping hole is not gone, but at least it is not a black hole. I can still see the beauty and the light and eventually I will join her. In the meantime there is a life to live, and I am going to do it.

Part of it is the organization of a cowboy, part just being on familiar ground, but most of it is simply a matter of stepping out. It will consist of reconnecting, restoring and even relieving by reliving. It will be a short spring for an old man. Still I can’t help but express one more time my eternal gratitude for the two who managed to get me through, two more who did their utmost, and the hundred who tried to help. They all deserve some credit for getting me to the other side.

January 1, 2010 – will be a New Year and ‘normal’. Except for an occasional hibernation I will rejoin the world. It pleases me.

December 22, 2009 / Healed / OC pg 11, © 2009 / CIP 793, Dec 25, 2009 / SHE

I came across this poem recently and felt it immediately and strongly. I print it here in the hope that my first family can understand my second family, and vice versa. Even more I hope they can both understand me better. It was written at least 1600 years ago by John Chrysostom the Archbishop of Constantinople (c. 347-407). Its title is Wherever We Are:

She whom we love and lose,
Is no longer where she was before.
She is now wherever we are.

December 11, 2009 / Wherever We Are / OC pg 10, © 2009 / CIP 792, Dec 25, 2009 / SHE

With a title like that you probably think it is an oxymoron. This mélange and that cowboy can never be organized! Actually, I try to do it; sometimes every six months and other times every couple of years. There is even a way for you to understand it. Read this little essay and, when you forget how, just push the button on the left marked ‘general’ and it will pop right back up again. And then you will remember. Wonder of wonders, right below it will be all my other reorganizations back to the beginning.

Let’s talk about the beginning for just a moment. The homepage of Tricolors gives a fair amount of the history and is still relatively accurate for the period between 1999 and 2007. Boil it down to one sentence and the timeline would read: 1999 DDBookline; 2000 Tricolors; 2003 Paris Arrival; 2005 Cowboy in Paris; 2008 Return. The one glaring error on the homepage is the beginning of paragraph 2: “We is a she: Dominique ….” As readers for the last two or three years will know, she is no longer. I just simply can’t change the homepage yet. For one reason it is still home for me. The last couple of years have been all about that and my physics.

Now I am reorganizing. That little tip about pushing the button marked general under categories is crucial to understanding Cowboy in Paris now. The original categories were all about the initial concept of explaining Paris and France to the English speaking world. They were, more or less, self explanatory then. The beauty is they still work for the current pages of 19-49. Yes, everything I know about France is still there – it is just buried a little deeper now.

I don’t know how to change the structure or the names so I have just adapted. Good was and is everything I thought was good about France; more recently it is just the category Europe, and even more recently biography. Better were the things I thought were even better than good about Paris; more recently the subject was business and games. Best were all the things superb about Paris, France and the French; more recently the subject covered was physics and science. Mixed is a mixed bag. About France it covered those things that had both positive and negative aspects. Since 2007 it has dealt primarily with my Sweetheart, cancer and death. It is a very mixed bag and tends toward the emotional. It is my personal perspectives. Ugly is ugly and I seldom used the category even then – in the beginning it was about the few things I did not like about France and the French. Great was about all the Places I wrote about in France because it is very hard to find a place that isn’t gorgeous. General, as I have already explained, is organizational.

Some aspects of Tricolors are no longer operable. Now, neither the Magazine nor the game Common Denominator is functioning. I hope to have them back up sometime in the future, but my hope is dimming. My plan was to change the name of the magazine to SHE and have most of the items that are currently in ‘mixed’ appear there. I am not technically capable of managing the infrastructure of the site so I just work around the original structure. Another thing that no longer worked was the links between title and article so I have delinked the original Table of Contents. You can get around that by simply typing the first couple of words of the title in the search box. I have also added a new Table of Contents for the items added in the last 18 months.

November 30, 2009 / Organization of a Cowboy / OC pg 1, © 2009 / CIP # 657, Dec 25, 2009 / GEN

Let’s be honest – this is way more than you want or need to know! Stop reading when you are convinced.

There is now a new Table of Contents entitled After-Words and all the earlier tables have been reworked to follow a similar format. This was necessary because all the earlier Table of Contents had been linked to the articles, but those links ceased to work when we changed servers a couple of years ago. Having given up hope of solving that problem we have delinked the articles. To help navigate we have substituted the date of the works appearance on Cowboy in Paris; and an acronym indicating either the articles subject or its placement.

All these acronyms and abbreviations have been in use since the beginning and have appeared in the taglines at the end of each piece. Of course very few people ever read any of those taglines but they usually contained a wealth of information. Now that they are appearing in the Table of Contents it is necessary to clarify their meanings and connections. Every individual essay had its own number and either that number, or its range of numbers, is often useful in finding them.

Which particular Table of Contents a piece appeared in is very significant to its chronological order and its probable subject matter. The first three, for all intents and purposes are just one with three different categories. Each succeeding table is reflective of a new organization and purpose. They are all phases really of A Cowboy in Paris. If you are still reading just skim the rest:

NAME / ABBREVIATION / USE OR FUNCTION

1 – Tricolors / TRI / Internet site on the WWW.
2 – Magazine / SHE / On TRI in Paris.
3 – Common Denominator / CD / Game on TRI.
4 – Cowboy in Paris / CIP / On TRI in Paris.
5 – Categories / CAT / On CIP # 6-13 below.
6 – General / GEN / On CIP this covers organization.
7 – Table of Contents / TOC / On CIP this covers content.
8 – Places / GRT / Originally this covered Paris and now everywhere else.
9 – Good / GD / Originally this dealt with Paris, then Europe and now biography.
10 – Better / BTR / Originally this involved France, and now games and business.
11 – Best / BST / First it dealt with the best of France and now deals with physics.
12 – Mixed / MXD / After Paris this covered SHE, cancer and personal topics.
13 – Ugly / UG / Seldom used and the only in its first guise.
14 – Archives / ARC / On CIP this is by month and year.
15 – SHE / MAG / On CIP it now deals with the personal, health issues and family.
16 – OAR / OAR / This means Opposites Aren’t Really-Real and deals with physics.
17 – Game / GME / Covers Common Denominator and now other games (below).
18 – After-Words / AFW / Document and Table of Content on CIP, (the sixth).
19 – Organized / ORG / Coming document and Table of Content on CIP, (the 7th).
20 – Biography / BIOG / In CIP, AFW, and ORG deals with biographical material.
21 – Impressions / IMP / The first TOC on CIP covering numbers 1-100.
22 – Places / PLC / The second TOC on CIP with numbers 101-300, (to 200 used).
23 – People / PPL / The third TOC on CIP covering numbers 301-400.
24 – General / GEN / The fourth TOC on CIP with the ranges 400-456 and 500-569.
25 – Renewal / RNW / The fifth, ranges 457-480, 570-599, 600-626, & 680-87.
26 – After-Words / AFW / The sixth, with the ranges 650-656, 701-800, & 801-839.
27 – Organized / ORG / The seventh, ranges 657-679, 840-950, & 951-1100.
28 – 840-950 / OAR / Physics.
29 – 951-1100 / SHE / The Magazine and personal.
30 – 1101-1200 / BIOG / Writing, biography and books.
31 – 657-679 & 1201-1300 / GME / Games and business, includes CD (2nd) and:
32 – Game / CI / First game Categorical Imperative.
33 – Game / DV / Third game Da Vinci Quiz.
34 – Game / VERT / Fourth game Verticalize – French game.
35 – Game / GBU / Fifth game Good, Bad and Ugly, a Great Game.
36 – Game / YIB / Sixth game You In a Box.
37 – Category / EUS / Articles dealing with the relationship of the US & EU.
38 – Category / TPS / Unknown acronym used in business and games.
39 – Unknown / UNK / Abbreviations used with unk. derivation including COF & TPS.

December 10, 2009 / Alphabet Soup and Numbers / TOC pg 3, © 2010 / CIP # 659, Dec 2009 / GEN

Essentially it is done and the ‘die is cast’ …. I thought long and hard as I used that aphorism. A non native speaker might have difficulty understanding such an idiom. I used it because it is true in multiple ways. Since October 22nd you have been more on my mind than usual – since November 26th it has been close to constant. Slowly now the results will come into focus. So I will put this up on December 1st. That I believe is the day you are now scheduled to come home and this cowboy and his sweetheart wanted to welcome you.

It is your attitude that is your strength. Lean on your strength. Optimism always works better than pessimism. Proactive is usually best with an optimistic person. It got you to where you are today – which is where I don’t know exactly for sure right now, but I assume it is good because I know you. Lean on your loved ones and hold his hand. This paragraph is me speaking, but I know that is not the opinion you crave.

There is really little I can do for you except to tell you what I think your sister in strength would say to you now. I know that is vital for you. I believe her opinion would be quite different in 2007, 2008 and 2009. In 2007 I think she would have gently advised you against your current course of action. In 2008 gradually her experience would come into play. In 2009 I believe she would think you are doing the right thing – playing the odds the best you can. I also believe now she knows better than anyone else the road so many of us must travel. She is trying to tell you something. On February 23rd 2008, really within hours, you started to speak to me in her voice – I could hear it clear as a bell. Today I try to return the favor and speak to you in her voice. Vas, vas, ma belle. Her French would be better than mine.

One final note on ‘the die is cast.’ Remember that 7 is a lucky number. Adding the 30 you want to the 47 you have (your words, and your wishes, back on the 22nd) now it is doubly lucky! Let’s drink to time in a bottle.

November 29, 2009 / Time in a Bottle / AFW pg 123 © 2009 / CIP # 790, December 1, 2009 / Good / SHE

A few days ago I experienced the most astounding example of serendipity that it has ever been my pleasure to be involved with. A word of history is in order – literally history. Anyone who has been reading this blog since its inception almost 5 years ago will know that I am a proud Englishman, American and Frenchman – at least chronologically in that order. After 1950 it slowly evolved that I was more American than English – thus the name ‘Cowboy’ in Paris is explained.

But that is not the history in question. Until Brad Pitt burst on the scene a few years ago the most common question I was asked when someone heard my name was: are you related to William Pitt? Generally they didn’t ask the Elder or the Younger. For years and years I would answer: my mother tells me yes, but I don’t know. She tells me that we were, and that I have four or five admirals in my lineage. Gradually the answer became: I don’t think so, at least not directly. After I got to Paris I had the time and the interest to research the question more deeply and the answer became: no, at least not directly. And that is where it lay when I came back to the United States just over a year ago.

I hope most of you know that William Pitt the Elder and the Younger were father and son, and Prime Ministers of England during the American Revolutionary War and the Napoleonic Wars. Over there they would be somewhere around the stature of a Washington or a Lincoln over here. Thus the questions were not idle and I did do a considerable amount of research while in Paris. I know all of you know who Brad Pitt was. My answer to that question, especially if the person asking was a woman, usually was something like: ‘I certainly think so, we Pitts are all related you know’.

So where is the serendipity you might ask? On a completely different matter last Saturday I happened to be speaking with the daughter of the landlord of a little cabin I rented in Fish Camp 30 years ago. Her name back then was Zeifert, but now it is Wright – and I have a Wright in my name also. I wondered if she knew of a connection between Wright and Pitt. She suggested I look up William Sidney Smith. I knew I knew the name, but I couldn’t quite place it. A couple of hours later I did look up the name and very quickly excitement gripped me. Three or four hours later I knew for sure that I was related to William Pitt; I knew exactly how; and I knew the names of all 5 admirals. I had to come back home, 6,000 miles from my original home, to find the answers. Thirty, forty, fifty years of questions and it tied together all the original elements of our Tricolors – the United States, Britain and France. That is serendipity!

November 28, 2009 / Serendipity / AFW pg 123 © 2009 / CIP # 789, December 1, 2009 / Good / SHE

Finally I have a fairly good idea of where I am, where I have been, and where I am going. Finally my past, my present and my future are shimmering into something approaching clarity. Twenty months it took to integrate the preceding 20 months. Our preceding 10 years and my 40 years before that are also becoming clearer. My earliest 10 years are probably impossible to reach back to.

It was actually on writing that last sentence, and walking away and thinking about it, that I realized perhaps it wasn’t entirely accurate. Maybe, maybe, maybe the first 10 years of my life have been lost to my memory simply because I lost my father. Until today, right now – somewhere into my 67th year that never occurred to me. Maybe it took 20 months to understand her final gift. Anyway that is for another essay.

Now I want to concentrate on the clarity. Forty months ago in my little office overlooking all of Paris I had clarity. I knew where everything was, I had systems set up to aid my deteriorating memory. I knew my financial situation, and it wasn’t bad. The game was pretty successful and appeared to have a future. My wife and I were happy – truly and deeply happy. And my view outside my window was beautiful. Finally much of that has been restored. True, physics has replaced the game, but that process was already started in Paris. Memories have replaced my wife, but they are vibrant and alive. And the view outside my window is different but still beautiful.

It took the full forty months to restore a system where I had a reasonable idea of what I have and where it is. For sure it was stressful. With three moves and three triages I had to come to the realization that I did not have, and could not have, any real idea of where anything was. I could reorganize what I still had with me, and consign everything else to history. That is what I have done and finally I know where I am. It’s all good.

The way forward is backwards. I’m not talking here of ‘opposites aren’t’ or ‘the arrow of time.’ More the solidity of the truths of youth – mama said … the golden rule … the Desiderata. It was a line from the latter: “many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness” that led me back to clarity. I’m back with the birds and the wildlife – back to the words and physics. These are truths that I can understand.

November 21, 2009 / Finally a Path / AFW pg 118 © 2009 / CIP # 787, December 1, 2009 / Good / SHE

It’s anecdotal but it tells a story central to our central character. Our friend Doug Gross tells the story on Bill. Every December he recounts Bill would grab both a bottle of Kessler and a joint along with his backpack and settle on the floor of his cabin. Bill would then gather all his belongings together on the floor and then empty the backpack into the pile. Imbibing all along he would spend the next couple of hours packing and repacking that backpack. In the end what wouldn’t fit he threw away. He was set for another year.

That cabin – I call it Bill’s but of course it really was the Zeifert’s – tells another tale. At different times both Bill and I rented it. Bill only lived there for a short while before the end. Thereafter I rented it for about three years. It was the perfect rustic hideaway for a mountain man. In the winter it was occasionally a bit tough to reach through the snowdrifts. I remember once – this was a couple of years later – waking up one morning to a surprise. Everything seemed normal though even quieter than usual – quieter almost always meant snow. In the winter I would keep the storm shutters closed so I wasn’t immediately aware of the situation. When I went to open the front door I couldn’t. There was over 5 ft of snow on the front porch. Luckily the back door opened in, it had no screen and it had no porch. There I only had to dig through about four feet to get out. Snow didn’t bother Bill and he loved snow shoeing. I think it amused him that I was so inept at it.

In fact, at 5,000 feet in the Sierra you learn to deal with snow and all the elements simply because they are a frequent fact of life. Perhaps it encourages brotherhood. That first winter we had one particularly strong storm and it managed to knock out the power for 10 days. The surrounding areas came back on variously in three, four or five days – perhaps seven in Wawona – but Fish Camp was completely out for 10 straight days. It didn’t faze Bill, nor anyone else for that matter, so I learned it wasn’t supposed to faze me. As it happened, in the following 33 years I never saw an outage that lasted longer than four days. It was a baptism for me – but just an occurrence for Bill.

November 21, 2009 / A Free Man of the West (3) / Bill Fisher / AFW pg 119 © 2009 / CIP # 788, December 1, 2009 / Better / SHE