To my Minou and her Domi; to an angel, her brother, and her husband; to Minou’s three kids and their others; to my first family; and all the other others – Thank You. For the last year that we all survived; for the ten years of heaven; for the strength of twenty years that one of us endured; for the second life of 33 great years; and the first life of similar proportions; for a wedding, and another last year, and another this – Thank You. Everyday somewhere the sun came out and warmed us. Everyday a hummingbird flew free. It will continue. I am a lucky man and we were all blessed. I love you all. Thank You.

February 23, 2009 / Thank You All / AFW pg 70, © 2009 / CIP 2/23/2009 / Mixed / SHE

Recriminations are a waste of time but it is never too late to make amends. I’ll get to that in a moment. With the anniversary approaching perhaps it is a good time to take stock. Certainly at this very moment a year ago I was prouder of myself than I am today. My world was about to spiral out of control. Almost within hours the disintegration would begin. Still, right then I believed I had done fairly close to everything I was capable of doing. Save for saving her – and for a few weeks by then I had known beyond a shadow of a doubt that neither I nor any doctor was capable of doing that - I had done it all. I was proud of myself, probably even a little too proud.

While I thought I had handled it fairly well, I knew she had handled it infinitely better. It is inconceivable to me that any human being could handle their own demise with greater grace. The strength and determination she showed, the kindness and protection she offered to her friends and family, the incomparable example of beauty and bravery – all of these are standards most of us will never attain. For any of them she deserved to be saved. I couldn’t save her. Very occasionally, late, late at night her eyes would plead for an instant, but we both came to gradually know that I didn’t have the power. I could rock her, I could love her, I could comfort her, and sometimes I could even be as brave as she was, but I couldn’t save her.

And now the time was nigh. I had stayed by her, I had kept her home, I had kept her happy and I had kept her out of the hospital. That was all she had asked. A thousand people helped me help her along the way – her brothers and sisters, her children, her family, friends, coworkers, and a host of others. Now I was disintegrating. Three of them stepped forward – an angel, a doctor, and a son. They took her the last 40 hours and then she rested. She deserved that.

Sadly my disintegration continued, first for thirty something hours, then, in fits and starts, for weeks and on into months. On the first day the same angel materialized, and a couple of other people helped me greatly. Others tried but I was difficult to understand. I am still trying to make amends. Of late it seems to be going in the right direction.

February 16, 2009 / Save for Saving Her / AFW pg 68-9, © 2009 / CIP 2/23/2009 / Mixed / SHE

I had asked at least 3 or 4 different people, some of them multiple times, to please, please help me get the contents of my camera into my computer. Of course when I say ‘help me’ I am really asking them to please do it – push the buttons, get it done. I am deathly afraid of buttons now. I always push the wrong one, usually in the wrong order, often at the wrong time, somehow with the wrong pressure, and occasionally twice, or two buttons at a time. It’s a darn good thing I only have five fingers because otherwise I would be in twice as much trouble. None of my fingers work. Anyway, everyone said they would but nobody did.

It used to be easy. My Minou would always just do it. I never even asked. She knew how much I loved pictures. Then it finally happened. Someone did do it. Finally, there they were, the photos that capped my odyssey to France! As I was pouring through the newly created folder I happened to note the date created. February 14, 2009. My sweetheart has been gone now nearly a year, but somehow she managed to send me a poem on my birthday and a Valentine on Valentine’s Day!!

February 14, 2009 / It’s Serendipity or it’s a Sign / AFW pg 68-9, © 2009 / CIP 2/23/2009 / Mixed / SHE

The first stop was a layover. The second stop I hope will be permanent. It’s narrowed down to three – Forest Grove, Oregon; Camarillo, California; and my old stomping grounds The Sierra Nevada. All three have some advantages and all three would contain some aspect of a fourth transitory place. No matter where I go, I would like to spend considerable time pursuing physics and a place called Waterloo (no, not that one, it’s in Canada).

I gave up betting when I gave up backgammon but, if I had to bet, my money would be on my mountains. There is a visceral pull there. Not only did I spend 25 happy years there, but there were also two vital beginnings there. On July 1, 1976, and August 31, 1998, two stories started smack dab in my mountains; and they were both with the very same woman. Other milestones originated in Oak Park. They say you can’t go back, but I might try anyway. I never failed there. 33 and 10 years later I could come home to where it all began, and set sail to my final sunset.

February 16, 2009 / I’m Not Certain Where I’ll Set Yet / AFW pg 70, © 2009 / CIP 2/23/2009 / Mixed / SHE

What if inflation was simply propagation to the trillions?

Are all of our current basic particles secondary?

Could it be that the absolute basic particle is a ‘Stem Planck’ embodying the principle that Opposites Aren’t?

Maybe the Stem Planck is zero and all other current subatomic particles are one.

What if the golden mean was proportionate to positive and negative?

Could 3/3 be the sliding scale between 0/1?

Does 1, 2, 3 = 0, 1, 2 too? Is it as simple as that?

Perhaps zero and one are opposites just like hot and cold.

What if a singularity is simply the renewal or reversal of time and everything else is a temperate phase transition?

Could Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle pacify the storm by fiat? In effect should this be the first sub atomic axiom? Is it the first X?

Maybe the Stem Planck’s transmogrification into neutrons, bosons, fermions et al was inflation.

Humility and patience need to hold hands. The more educated one is the more so this is.

Musings are mostly just amusing but in amongst them there could be one or two foundational perspectives that might be worth pursuing.

February 09, 2009 / More Musings (5) / AFW pg 65, © 2009 / CIP 2/23/2009 / Best / OAR